It's crazy to me that it has almost been a week since our whole world changed. It's is even crazy to think that it was 5 months ago that we said yes to the crazy journey of foster care and now it is all so real. I remember waiting so impatiently for the journey to begin. You see, I knew God had called Ben and I to this journey and waiting to live out your purpose is dreadful.
Now there are moments when I wonder if we heard clearly. Did God really call ME to this journey because I often don't feel very good at it? How can I possibly be patient enough or loving enough? Half the time I have no idea how to deal with the stuff we deal with each day. Honestly, most nights I go to bed feeling defeated, in tears and weary down to my bones.
For those of you that don't know, our first placement was a sibling set, two babies under the age of two. The first 24 hours with the littles were hard but then the next few days got easier. I thought it all seemed manageable, we could find a routine and it would just keep getting better. But the honeymoon was short lived and the tantrums began and the nights without sleep got harder. The oldest is having the toughest time. Even the gentlest of redirecting ends in deafening screams, followed by throwing and smacking anything within reach, including my face. Then comes the slamming his forehead down on the floor, the table, the wall, the grocery cart handle... over and over. Anything that is likely to leave a bruise, he slams his head against. Some nights it seems every few minutes there is a tantrum, at times they just start out of nowhere. Then one baby crying causes the other to get upset. It seems to always happen when Ben is at work for the evening and I am alone. I swear they can sense you are weak. On and on this goes until it is time for bed. The littlest is having a hard time sleeping through the night, she has tummy issues and is teething. Poor girl keeps us running back and forth to bed all through the night.
The crazy thing is I used to be a night owl but the mornings are the best time for me. No matter the hard night we have I try to wake up with optimism for the new day. When the oldest screams, it doesn't phase me. I try to exude joy in hopes it will somehow rub off on him. I play worship music or something mellow. By the afternoon I want to laugh at my former optimistic self because I can feel the feeling of absolute defeat and exhaustion creeping in. As we run from court appointments to WIC appointments and the tantrums escalate.
I don't say any of this to complain because I wouldn't change my answer if asked again. Just to acknowledge that it is so much harder than I ever thought. I mean I knew it would be hard but it is a different hard. I guess parenting is always easiest in our head. Although, there is something so different about parenting another person's child in which you have built no bond with. There is something that is so utterly defeating about trying to comfort a child that is crying because he wants his momma. Just knowing that you can't really make him feel better because the fact that he is with you is what makes him so upset. When all you are trying to do is find a middle ground between allowing the tantrum because you know this baby can't say in any other way how hard this all is for them and trying to correct the negative behavior that comes with it. In trying to remember all the rules, document behaviors and constantly emailing caseworkers ect. It's exhausting to have to worry that the marks he gives himself, could open an abuse case for you. It's also really hard just missing your husband but knowing that not just anyone can babysit the kids.
By the time someone runs into us asking how we are doing all I can say is 'We are okay' because I'd hate to just go into tears in the middle of Walmart. Or start crying in the middle of my garage when someone just dropped by to pick up some stuff. Yes, that happened.
At the same time, you feel so alone in it all. You are told congratulations but you just don't know what you are being congratulated for. Or people assume 'welcome to parenting' this is what we all do. They give advice on how to parent but rarely do they take into account the trauma that these kids face and the struggles it creates. They can't be parented in the same way as every other child because they aren't in ordinary circumstances. These kids were removed from a family who they loved dearly, they are extremely bonded to them. They were placed to live with strangers and they don't really know what is happening or how to cope. At the end of the day, the tantrums make sense, the trouble sleeping makes sense and the aversion to allowing us to bathe them makes sense. I remind myself of that often, especially on the hard nights. Then they smile or giggle and my heart melts. I am reminded why I do this, why God called me to do this and how much these kids need someone to risk it all to love them in probably the hardest time of their young lives. This is the hardest thing we have ever done in our lives. It is definitely not an easy time for us but it is much worse for these kids. Every night I go to bed in tears, I have to remember that I'm exhausted because I gave my all. Ben and I did our best we just have to pray that God can make up where we lack. Because most days we feel we lack a lot.
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